My day to day life is blissful right now. It's not that it doesn't have some challenges - what life doesn't? - but I am feeling blessed beyond measure. It's spring, for one thing, and that helps. I do believe this past winter was the worst of my life, but it's over and I feel better. So much better.
However, when it comes to my blogs, it's another story. I wrote the post below a few days ago, just to get it out of my system, thinking I would keep it in draft to post if one more straw was added to my back. I'm not at that point, but I'm posting it anyway because .. hmmm, how to put this .. because readers of blogs sometimes forget that the writer is human. That the writer is sometimes overwhelmed by what blogging entails; this is particularly true of (but not limited to) the relationships that can develop in the background.
These difficulties are probably just part of the game, and I probably just need to toughen up to deal with the worst of them. That's a conundrum though; I am already fairly prickly of personality and if I get any more prickly no one will come near me. I want people to feel they can approach me .. I just have to find a way to reduce the intensity of those relationships, to stop them from sucking the energy from me in the way they sometimes do.
Anyway, for those interested, here's the post, as it was written when I was approaching my wit's end ..
There is a lot goes on behind the scenes of a blog.
There are times when the background noise becomes so loud that I can't hear myself over the din.
I don't, of course, intend to call it quits. This blog, whether it's read or not, is (normally) an important creative outlet for me, somewhere I can hash out ideas, explore and play with words. But right now the static interference is driving me to distraction, literally; I'm too distracted by the crap to do what I want to do here.
Anyone who has done any personal exploration knows that the only way to defeat these distractions that are so distracting as to be something akin to demons is to face and name them.
So allow me to honestly (with perhaps a touch of rancour) address the things and people that are getting right up my nose.
Bots & referrer spam - You're messing with my stats and I don't even understand what you're trying to achieve. No one likes you. Go away.
Cannabis fanatics - Look, we in the herbal medicine field understand you're all excited about this plant, and why. We've all seen the reports of medical uses, we've all danced with the plant at one time or another and (trust me on this) we've all been stoned more than once in our lives. We KNOW about it, okay? You can stop getting right up in our faces about this. Those who choose to embrace it are now legally able to do so in many places, more all the time, so naturally there's a buzz around it (no pun intended) (and naturally the large corporations & taxman high-five each other with glee as well). But some of us have already been there, done that, and moved on, long ago.
Besides - I hate to gloat, but my medicines grow on trees (literally) don't cost me a cent, have always been perfectly legal and tax free. If you want to go to bed with the new Big Dealers in town, have at 'er, just stop thinking that if you shout louder I'll agree to promote your
Supplement & Detox Addicted Drama Queens/Kings - Ask any health-oriented writer or blogger and they'll agree; your type shows up in our lives regularly. First comes the quick email asking for advice, which we can't answer because we don't have the whole picture so (against our better judgement) we read between the lines as best we can and ask a few pointed questions for clarification. Then you reply with some long winded gibberish full of links to questionable sources touting often downright dangerous protocols that you want us to tell you to go ahead and try (like turpentine taken internally for 'candida' or i.v. chelation because your water had fluoride when you were a kid).
When we can't - in good conscience - endorse your tomfoolery, and instead devote valuable time to offering a detailed alternate plan that is safer (but not as exciting) you either just disappear without a word of thanks for our attention or you argue that your plan is better 'because' .. and then you offer more links to even more questionable sources.
That's just rude. But then, you're the centre of the universe, so we should consider ourselves honoured to have heard from you in the first place, right?
Take your dangerous supplements and detox to your heart's delight, I honestly don't care how the story ends for you.
Facebook-ers - I'm not on facebook, so it took me a while to figure this one out, but now I know why I keep having to fend off people (you know who you are, and there have been several of you) who are attaching themselves to me through my blogs.
You tell me you love me, call me a soul mate, cling. You share deeply personal details of your lives and relationships that I really don't want to hear, even when I ask you not to. Sometimes you're so (seemingly) attached to (how you see) our friendship that you email me several times a day with nothing to say of substance but expecting me to reply in kind.
Eventually, each and every one of you has mentioned being on facebook, where (I now realise) this kind of behaviour is the norm. Hilariously, you've all launched into the same little speech about how you don't like it, "it's too shallow!", you say, but in the same breath you insist you "have" to use it to "keep in touch" with friends you wouldn't otherwise be able to be in touch with.
Apparently a sense of irony is one of the first things one sacrifices to facebook.
Now I am, essentially, a kindly and friendly person, so I allow a lot of leeway whenever an email from someone new shows up in my inbox. I like meeting new people, exchanging information etc. But ask anyone who actually knows me how long I put up with nonsense in my life, they'll chuckle and tell you "Not long!"
The vibe from people who measure the depth of 'friendship' by facebook's standards is .. just .. icky. And the more you insist that you know the me of me, the more stalker-like you appear.
I feel sorry for you, I really do, but that hole in your life is not my responsibility.
Wannabe Little Me's - You overlap with the above a lot of the time, but with even less imagination. You're the ones who want to absorb everything I know about everything I've ever studied as though it could be downloaded from my brain to yours.
Jesus! (sorry Lord) That is so incredibly disrespectful! Yet apparently, you don't see it that way. It's taken me decades of dedication, this is my life's work, just how long do you expect me to hold your hand?
It's about the relationship you develop with the plants - with all of Creation - fer fucks sake, not about what I can tell you about the plants.
But you can't understand what I just said. If you could I wouldn't have had to say it over and over. Hence why I stopped providing tinctures to the public, hence why I have given up on the garbling blog, because those who beg for my knowledge (instead of finding their own), for my plant medicines (instead of making their own) are the norm, not the exception.
You are stuck in consumerism, in the belief that for the right amount of money (or flattery) anything can be yours. Not so. My knowledge is not a 'product' to be consumed. I can point you in the direction where you might find your own, nothing more than that. Nothing less than that, either, you just don't see the value .. oh what's the point ..
No sense of musical adventure - what is it with people?? I do not have terrible taste in music. I offer unusual music, yes. Off the beaten path stuff, yes. But why does no one seem to be able to listen to any of it? Is your taste so bland that it's too much for your palates?
This actually worries me, because the music I listen to is very much a reflection of the basis of who and what I am, and what I've assumed my readers are as well - interested. I am interested in everything that makes up the human experience, aren't you? Music is one of the most basic human needs (yes, it is a need) and forms of expression. To reject any form of music out of hand is to stay safely inside one's little box - are my readers so fond of their boxes? If so, why are on earth are they reading me? I don't get it.
I especially don't get the cold reception to Native American/First Nations' music. In theory, everyone says they respect the Indians these days (sort of like the environment?). In practice, they turn away. This is their land, you know. Perhaps a little less lip service to that would be in order. (For both Native cultures and the environment).
Personally, when I hear those voices you find too shrill, I hear coyotes. But then I have a lot of respect for coyotes. Oh dear .. what if my readers are even more stuck in white settler thinking than I thought, and see coyotes (and Indians?) as vermin .. oh what a depressing thought that is.
All of the above, and more - I've only ever wanted to do for others what was done for me by my teachers, (the humans ones); to offer a taste of what life in relationship with Creation can offer. My effort has been directed to people who need only a nudge to 'get' that they need only step out their doors with hearts open for that relationship to begin. Creation itself will do the rest.
I keep at this, despite all of the above, because even as a naturally private person I still enjoy some companionship, some fellowship, with other humans who feel Creation's touch upon them. Now and then it happens. Rewarding relationships are there; rhapsodising about flowers with B., or birds with L.; wry, brief exchanges about how painful this work can be with T.; creating new terms of reference with E. while we wrestle to describe our experiences with a sentient Creation. Then there's the occasional intelligent, thoughtful email I get because something I said touched someone and they just want me to know that .. without begging me for attention or flattering me, they're just letting me know.
As you can see, on balance my life can be as drained by 'blogging' as much as it is enriched. That's why I've put the garbling blog to rest for now, because most of the crazies who come out of the woodwork are attracted to that one. This blog gets less of that kind of traffic (but boy does it get a lot of referrer spam!) so once I get my head clear again, this is where I'll be hanging out.
Thank you for putting up with my little tantrums lately. Our regularly scheduled program will return shortly.
And .. I know this is now considered hokey, but a copy of it was hanging on the kitchen wall when we moved into this house, and we left it there. It's worth rereading once in a while, so click to enlarge if you want to refresh your memory.